The importance of respecting consent. A woman’s decision not to kiss

Following Spain’s Women’s World Cup final win over England in Sydney, Spanish football federation president Luis Rubiales kissed female footballer Jenni Hermoso on the lips but Jenni has confirmed she did not consent to it.

In a world that continually emphasises the significance of mutual respect, the concept of consent takes centre stage in every aspect of human interactions. Whether in romantic relationships, everyday encounters or a World Cup final, understanding and respecting boundaries is a fundamental principle that promotes healthy relationships and a harmonious society. In this context, a woman’s decision not to give consent for a man to kiss her becomes a pivotal example of the significance of respecting personal boundaries and choices.

Consent, at its core, signifies the agreement to engage in a particular action or activity. It is an explicit declaration of one’s willingness to participate, without any form of coercion, pressure or manipulation. When a woman chooses not to give consent for a man to kiss her, she is exercising her right to decide what feels comfortable and appropriate for her own body and emotions. This act reflects the essence of personal agency and empowerment, acknowledging that individuals have the self-determination to set limits that align with their comfort levels.

The reasons behind a woman’s decision to withhold consent for a kiss could be diverse and complex. Cultural, emotional, psychological and personal factors can all play a role in shaping her boundaries. It might stem from a recent heartbreak, a previous traumatic experience, or simply a matter of personal preference. 

The World football’s governing body Fifa has opened disciplinary proceedings to examine Luis Rubiales’ actions and 81 players have confirmed they will not play for Spain’s women’s team until he is removed from his post as the Spanish football federation president

Rubiales had been widely expected to resign at a general assembly called by the Spanish Football Federation (RFEF), but instead said “I don’t deserve this manhunt. Jenni Hermoso was the one who lifted me up. I told her to forget about the penalty that she missed and I said to her ‘a little peck?’ and she said ‘OK’. It was a spontaneous kiss. Mutual, euphoric and consensual. That’s the key. A consensual ‘peck’ is enough to get me out of here?”

Pachuca player Jenni Hermoso released a statement which included: “I want to make clear that at no time did the conversation to which Mr Luis Rubiales refers to in his address take place and, above all, was his kiss ever consensual. His claims are categorically false and part of the manipulative culture that he has generated. I feel the need to report this incident because I believe no person, in any work, sports or social setting should be a victim of these types of non-consensual behaviours. I felt vulnerable and a victim of impulsive-driven, sexist, out-of-place act, without any consent on my part. Quite simply, I was not respected.”

Asking for consent is essential when it comes to any kind of intimate interaction. To ask for consent to kiss a woman, it’s important to prioritise her feelings and boundaries. Here’s a guide on how to approach this situation respectfully:

• Read the Situation: Pay attention to the context and the woman’s body language. Make sure you’re both in a comfortable and private setting where you can have a personal conversation.
• Engage in Conversation: Engage in a genuine and enjoyable conversation. This can help build a connection and create a comfortable atmosphere.
• Non-Verbal Cues: Before asking verbally, look for positive non-verbal cues. Is she maintaining eye contact, leaning in, touching her hair, or showing signs of being relaxed and engaged in the interaction?
• Choose the Right Moment: Timing matters. Choose a moment when you both are having a good time and seem to be connecting well.
• Be Direct and Respectful: Once you feel the moment is right, you can say something like, “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, and I feel a connection between us. I’d like to ask, would you be comfortable with us sharing a kiss?”
• Give Her Space to Respond: After asking, give her time to respond. It’s crucial to respect her feelings and boundaries. If she hesitates or says no, it’s important not to push or pressure her in any way.
• Respect Her Response: Regardless of her answer, respond respectfully. If she says yes, make sure the kiss is gentle and considerate. If she says no, thank her for her honesty and continue the conversation naturally.
• Communicate Openly: Whatever her response, it’s a chance to communicate openly. If she agrees to the kiss, you can still check in during the kiss to make sure she’s comfortable. If she declines, you can express that you understand and value her boundaries.
• Continue the Interaction: After the moment, continue your conversation and enjoy each other’s company. Consent is an ongoing process, and it’s important to continue respecting her boundaries.

Remember that every individual is different and their comfort levels and preferences may vary. The key is to be considerate, respectful and understanding throughout the interaction. Consent should always be enthusiastic, clear and freely given. If at any point you’re uncertain about her feelings or intentions, it’s better to pause and ask for clarification.

The key to a woman’s decision not to kiss lies in recognising and respecting her reasons as valid. It may not be a rejection of a man’s emotions or intentions. It’s contributing to a safer and more inclusive environment, particularly for women who have historically faced challenges in asserting their boundaries without fear of judgment or backlash.