By a ‘For Men To Talk’ attendee: Surviving suicide attempts and re-building my life

I hope by writing this that I’m able to offer some assistance or hope to anyone struggling with their own mental health or have concerns for someone else.

My earliest memory of mental health was watching my own Mother have a breakdown when I was very young, perhaps 8 or 9 years old. We’d been swimming at the leisure centre, but an argument had taken place between us over a packet of crisps. My memory is patchy, but I remember watching my Mum crumble and breakdown before my eyes. She had to put a huge amount of effort into her recovery and I’m so proud of her.

Although I grew up in a happy home, I began to suffer from periods of depression from around the age of 11. These were mainly flashbacks to incidents at school or self-doubt about myself.

My own mental health remained a closely guarded secret and bouts of depression were a regular occurrence, sometimes triggered by school pressures or my own perceptions and insecurities. Whilst I felt like I could manage these, I’d be very withdrawn, would struggle to communicate and engage with the world around me.

The only person I’d ever confided in was my darling wife, but this was only when she forced me to be honest after noticing I was struggling to adjust to the prospect of becoming a father. I explained that I was feeling low and needed time to adjust. When she said that our relationship could be at stake it shocked me and proved enough to pull me out of it.

This process continued until Autumn 2020, when I’d been struggling with workload issues at work and taking on a promotion to Team Leader. It immediately caused a huge depression. It was almost as if my self-confidence evaporated, as soon as I took on that new role.

Unable to cope and unable to see any way of moving forward, I became more and more depressed and withdrawn. I’d be so scared of the day ahead, I wouldn’t want to wake up. I was also unable to make decisions or think clearly. I began neglecting myself and would then be unable to sleep due to constant fears about work.

One November morning, instead of going to the office, I came home and contemplated taking my own life, using my belt. Fortunately, I was unable to go through with it. My wife was notified, and I first contacted my GP and received my first medication. I downplayed this situation with work and tried too soldier on. However, the underlying issues weren’t being addressed properly and I hadn’t been able to make any significant changes to my mindset.

Christmas 2020 was hugely enjoyable. But looking back, I was in denial and perhaps slightly delusional about my situation but was determined to enjoy the festive period.

Upon returning to work, I was immediately overwhelmed with my workload and any lasting thoughts of being able to work through it had gone.

Unable to continue, I stopped taking my medications, became deeply depressed and unable to function. I thought that suicide would be my only way out. In early January 2021 and working from home, I took an overdose by consuming over a month’s worth of medication. I fully expected this action to result in my problems coming to the surface. Miraculously, I only ended up feeling drowsy and was sent to bed by my wife, but was too ashamed to admit what I’d done.

Another week of struggling went by until once again I tried to end my life, again whilst working from home. This time using my belt in the office door. Luckily the plan failed but I knew I needed immediate help and contacted 999. This also resulted in an extended period of sick leave from work.

Only once the triage team arrived was I honest enough to tell my wife. I’ll never forget the patience and kindness from the nurse that day but also the concern of my wife.

I was taken to A&E and then admitted to a mental health ward. During my weeklong stay I made some improvements, but in hindsight, my behaviour was erratic and bordered on manic, which would prove to be another obstacle to overcome.

Upon returning home, with the support of my family, I began the process of trying to rebuild my life. I tried journalling and various other practises. Fortunately, my wife had found an online men’s support group, ‘For Men To Talk’.

I attended my first meeting in late-January 2021. Although I was still feeling unstable, I was willing to join and managed to share my story. Discussing it with others in similar situations gave me confidence. I also struck up a friendship and correspondence with another member who had survived and comeback from a similar situation. This gave me great confidence for my future.

I also obtained private online counselling sessions, which I’m still attending. Initially, we discussed what had happened and my background, this progressed to giving me tools for the future. This area of ongoing support has been vital.

Through my company’s HR dept. and an external occupational health assessment, a phased return to work was put in place. This was a tricky process which eventually resulted in some more time off and the eventual decision to step down from Team Leader back to Co-ordinator.

The rest of 2021 and early 2022, was a journey between bouts of depression but also of manic behaviour. The felt like I was trying to make up for lost time but with no regard for others, or the consequences of my actions or my own ability to sustain that pace.

An incident took place in late August 2021 whilst watching my beloved Luton Town F.C. My manic behaviour resulted in an arrest, a criminal charge and a club ban pending the conclusion of court proceedings. This also knocked my confidence and lead to further spells of depression. Luckily through advice from a friend, my wife’s persistence, help from my family, and a specialised law firm, the case was eventually concluded but without a ban being imposed. This was a huge relief.

Also prompted by my counsellor, I’ve contacted Samaritans on 2 or 3 occasions for support and a listening ear.

Eventually in March 2022, following numerous meetings with a mental health link worker from my GP surgery, I was also prescribed medication to counteract and mange my manic behaviour.

Now nearly two years later, my mental health is much more stable. I still take medication, Citalopram & Quetiapine daily, have weekly counselling and attend ‘For Men To Talk’ meetings regularly. My mental health is always in the forefront of my thoughts and is closely monitored.

Hopefully this will inspire people to discuss their own mental health with people or organisations that they trust and to show that battles can be won and improvements can be made.